Part Time Supporter, I'm Just A Part Time Supporter!

So, three games into the new season and the Commander's already making pitiful excuses for missing the game. As we all know, there's never a justifiable reason for missing ANY match and my excuse, for what it's worth, doesn't even manage tae look feeble.... Fhat Bhoy Tim, my erstwhile fenian buddy, met some new burd (aye, that's how bad this is gonna get...) fae Jersey and she's over visitin' this week.

While the real fans were scootin' through the rain up tae Tayside, me, Bheefy, Jersey Ghirl and ma missus were tarting ouselves up and getting ready for a civilised bite tae eat at Pane e Vino. Fuckin' tragic or what?

Meanwhile back in the real world, the Fife were rounding off a perfect first week to the season by bangin' in more goals and grabbin' another three points. I sat in front of the telly (lookin' like a prize prick) waiting for all the latest scores to appear on the SKY Sports screen every five minutes. Bingo! Own goal by Tosh and the Fife (wearing their new 'candy-stripe' away shirts - like I knew that before I saw the photos on Sunday!!!) were on their way. The God of Fuck et al were cheerin' away at just about the time my wife was 'doin' her roots' and I was sitting lookin' pathetic in ma boxers!

Just before the half hour (so, about twenty five tae four on the telly), Tosh again made an arse of himself and gifted the ball to Stevie Nicholas who was more than happy to slot it away from just inside the Lichties' box. Two up and in total control. And that's how it stayed until the defence contrived to let our hosts back into the game - obviously starting to believe that they were footballers, they attempted one trick too many (how can Arbroath beat our offside trap?) and left keeper, McCulloch, helpless. With Arbroath in the ascendency it was fortunate that the half time whistle sounded just a couple of minutes later.

On the hour mark, Fhat Bhoy 'phoned tae say that he was still hungover from Friday and they were runnin' late. Talk about raging - I could have been at Gayfield after all! Well, that's a lesson learned - if there's a game on, tell Bheefy tae get tae fuck and go to watch the Fife. If I had done, it would have been just about now that I'd have seen our two goal advantage restored. Revisiting the site of former glories, former Lichtie, Kevin Fotheringham, tortured his old team's sloppy defensive play and opened his account for the season.

Thereafter, fate conspired to really punish my patheticnessnosity. The last fifteen minutes were full of excitement; our hosts pushed everyone forward in an attempt to get back into the match while we defended stoutly to keep them out. With ten to go they were awarded a penalty - from where I was, it looked harsh but, as I was watchin' Phil Neil warble on about the Bolton - Newcastle game at the time, maybe I wasn't in the perfect position to comment.

McCulloch chose to dive the wrong way and left his goal gaping. However, Arbroath's Andy Reilly failed to take advantage and looked even dafter than me as the ball trundled wide of the post.

The Lichties still had time tae hit the post and score in the last minute of the game. But by then, of course, it was too late to be anything more than a consolation. For me, the wait for the final whistle was torture; the last game in Scotland to finish, according to SKY. However, a text from the God of Fuck was enough; we'd won, another three points safely banked and, only two games in, the Fife perched proudly, deservedly at the top of the dung heap.

Which left me really pissed off that I'd missed it all and feeling even more tragic about my excuse for the next game. I'd already arranged tae get away fae work at four on Wednesday to get up tae Forfar. Fuck me if the game's no' on Tuesday. How fuckin' pathetic IS that? Keep me posed by text please; I don't suppose SKY will have much coverage from Station Park....