Now! That's What I Call Football 42

24th Jan 2009: East Fife 4, Queen's Park 2 (Barrs Scottish League Division Two)

Happy days... The Spiders kicked off, took three paces into Fife territory and then had the ball unceremoniously wrested from them. For the next twenty minutes we held onto possession, knocked the ball about reasonably well and created... hee-haw. No' so happy days...

To be honest, the most interesting part of the opening exchanges was trying to work out what the fuck Cazza was talking about when she was trying to pronounce the ref's name - for the record, it was Michael Tumilty, but you'd have been excused for thinking that today's officials were part of an exchange programme with the Sri Lankan FA! Way to go Cazza!

Bright conditions, a perfect pitch, a fired-up team and a home support full of expectation all added up to what was to become the game of the season so far. Eighty six Spiders fans had also made the trip but most of them were sneakin' intae wee dry corners at the back of the stand - hey, each to his own.

With Shagger again sidelined, it was up to Stevie Crawford to take responsibility and show us all what he's really made of. In the first part of the game, mind, there was very little to show for all his efforts. He wasn't alone - everyone was putting in decent shifts; it's just that when it came to finding a goal scoring opportunity, we were somewhat lacking in the killer instinct that we needed.

As a result, the Spiders' youngsters slowly came back into the game. Stevie Nicholas, in particular, looked right in the mood to give his old team mates a bloody nose but, for the most part, Torro more than adequately dealt with the threat that he posed. As the half wore on, however, our guests upped the pace a little and started to create some openings for themselves.

Cheered on by their small but noisy contingent of southside weegies, they pushed forward determinedly. But thankfully, the Sri Lankan FA's Referees Association appears to be full of just as much talent as our own. Tumilty was more than happy to wave play on when there was no clear advantage and pull play back when there was. That suited the Fife perfectly as the action was all at our end!

But relying on the ref could only last so long. On the half hour mark, Queens took the lead; clearing quickly from a Fife attack, the Spiders slid the ball to Ian Watt just inside the East Fife half. With but one thing on his mind, he took the ball on a mazy wee run towards McCulloch's goal, leaving three defenders and then the big keeper firmly on their collective arses before happily slipping the ball into an empty net. Even from the far end, it looked a decent goal but whether the balance of play justified their lead... Guess it just goes tae show that you need to take yer chances when ye get them.

And in the closing moments of the half, it looked like the Spiders were bent on doing just that. Their youngsters moved forward with some ease and forced some outstanding defending from our back four. Torro has taken on the mantle of captaincy with aplomb and looked a rock at the centre of the defence and he was ably assisted by Jay had who was playing to his usual high standard. Just before the interval, however, Smartie picked up a nasty one in a fifty-fifty and was forced to hobble off. Shaun Fagan came on as his replacement following his recent suspension and appeared as hungry as ever - he was to play his part in what was to be the second half performance of the year!

But before all that, ah ran the gauntlet once again and headed swiftly for the pie stall. Regular readers will already known that I've had a forlorn time of it since the turn of the year, trying to purchase the simplest of culinary delights. My search for the elusive steak pie will, alas, go on for yet another week. Ah beat the stampede of Hoops fans and got tae the windae with but one guy in front of me in the queue... only to do a double take when the fucker asked for "eighteen cups of tea, ten pies... and, erm, two mars bars". What the fuck!

The two wee lads behind the counter looked like rabbits caught in headlamps. The fair heided wan manged tae pour five teas before askin', "how many's that?" while his pal, resplendent in white coat (ah looked but couldnae see a sign of a greyhound anywhere) and matching face, enquired of the customer, "d'ye want a coupla boaxes?". Rummaging under the counter, he eventually produced two empty Turkish Delight boxes... which came in handy for the five teas that they'd already poured... Twenty three cups, fourteen pies and three Snickers later (fuck knows what they teach the weans at school these days), it was ma turn. Inevitably, there were nae steak pies. And, so, for those of you who tell me that the mince pies are good at Bayview, I can say only this - you are talking out of your holes!

So, with the bitter taste of failure once more on my lips, ah made ma sorry way back out to the pitch. What was on offer out there was, thankfully, far tastier than the pie (in inverted commas) ah'd just thrown away. Baikie was obviously back to his old best, delivering a belter of a half time speech and, more importantly, ensuring that we'd continue to press forward with two up front. Within moments of the restart we were almost on level terms; a cracking strike from outside the box looked like giving the Craw his first of the afternoon, only to come rattling back off the post, the striker's namesake in the Queen's goal well beaten.

Taking the most from their good fortune, the Spiders steadied the boat and tried to continue with the quick passing football they'd ended the first half playing. They made a couple of forays forward but the moves were well mopped up by the Fife defence. However, ten minutes in, Lloyd Young got caught wrong-footed and clipped Paul Harkins just inside the box.

It wasn't the most cynical tackle you've ever seen but was enough for the ref to point to the spot. Up stepped Paul Cairney (ah've a mate at work who's a Partick fan - apparently this young lad's the next big thing... but he's currently on loan at Queen's Park. Hmmm) and deftly put his team two up.

Go on, admit it; how many of you checked Bet365's in-play odds tae see what price we were for the win? Well, believe it or not, with just shy of an hour on the clock you'd have gotten 8/1. Got to be worth a fiver of anyone's money - but not mine, of course. Ma missus kindly checked the price but then told me tae get tae fuck when ah asked her tae place the bet. But ma loss was... ma loss. At least somebody cashed in...

Come forward Mr Crawford. He and the Wonderhorse had been working their socks off all afternoon. At last we were to reap the reward. In spite of losing the second goal, the guys kept their concentration and pushed forward immediately in an attempt to get back into the game. Within five minutes we'd succeeded.

Shaun Fagan positioned himself perfectly and blasted a screamer of a shot from about thirty yards out, frustrated to see it bounce back into play off the cross bar. However, before any the Queens' defenders could move, Stevie C, with the reactions of a mongoose (and the rugged good looks tae match - sorry, just kiddin') stole in and prodded the ball home from five yards out.

From the noise that erupted from the stand, you'd have thought that we'd just won the cup final, such was the joy with which Stevie's strike was received. Less than three minutes later the noise was even more chaotic. Bebo had tried a similar effort to Fagan's, this time forcing the Spiders' keeper into an outstanding save. However, from the resulting corner their defence was in disarray and when the ball eventually fell to Crawford, he was there again to pop it away from close range.

There was bedlam in the stadium as the players all ran forward to congratulate the Craw. However, for all the euphoria, you couldn't help thinking that the striker's bairns would still be getting the pish ripped oot them at school on Monday. Ah hadnae noticed until now but was that a pair of Jessie-boy gloves you were wearing, Stevie? Fuck sake big man, you've played in Aberdeen - it wasnae that cauld, surely!!!

By now, with twenty five minutes still to play, we were in full flow and just moments later, with the Spiders' defence literally falling to pieces, we took the lead. From the far side, Lloyd Young floated over a great cross which was ignored by everyone in a hooped shirt and so was just begging to be put away. It was fitting that the captain should rise to the challenge and bullet home his header from the edge of the six yard box. In the space of about seven minutes we'd turned Queen's Park's world upside down and taken what was already looking to be an unassailable lead.

From where I was standing, ah was close enough tae hear the Spiders' keeper and defenders disecting the shambles. So for those of you who think that my language can be choice at times, I can now confirm that I'm nothing compared wi those young lads. What was encouraging for us, of course, was the fact that everyone in a black and gold shirt could also hear them rippin' fuck out of each other.

The only question to be posed, therefore, was why it then took us all of another eight minutes to score a fourth. We looked dangerous every time we came forward and with each cross into the box, the Spiders' goalie appeared less and less protected. Fifteen minutes from time we forced another corner when their left back feebly headed the ball into touch. Dougie C's perfect cross was met by big Temps who bossed his way to the ball and fired home with ease.

The big striker's been under pressure recently and has attracted some unwarranted criticism from some of the fans so it was great to see him answer the ne'erdo-wells in the best possible way. He'd played a blinder this afternoon - the goal was just the icing on the cake. And as he ran to soak up the plaudits, it was obvious that the fans in the stand were sharing his joy. Absolutely unbelieveable stuff!

By now, the place was jumpin' as the home supporters urged the team on. On the park, the players also continued to push forward; Bobby Linn and Paul Stewart combined well, only for Bebo to be frustrated as their keeper reached the ball first. It was a simple take by the goalie but his day had gone do far down the pan that any time he could get his hands on the ball was a bonus.

Certainly his footballing skills were nothing to write home about. With the seconds ticking away, he appeared to be determined to gift us another goal, fluffing his clearance not once but twice before finally connecting boot to ball and clearing the danger. Fucking pitiful!

So, despite his best efforts, there was to be no more scoring. The rag-bag of away fans had a final chance to get excited in the closing minutes when McCulloch was called upon to make a save from a decent effort but, by then, most of them were just thinking about getting into their nice warm buses and heading back off to the land of the weege; nothing here for us today boys.

Other than the humiliation of watching the last few minutes of the match tick by with the ball never even going close to one of your own players. Greig, Shaun, Lloydie and the rest ran down to the clock and knocked the ball about the park like there was no opposition there. The cheat eventually blew for time and the players took their deserved acclaim.

It was a performance to be proud of and one that would have warmed the hearts of every Fifer who'd braved the freezing conditions. Baikie and the boys can feel immensely pleased with themselves; that second half performance was the best I've seen them play. If it had been an opera and I was the emperor of Austria, it would have been the best yet written. Or, as they say roon ma way, that wiz fuckin' awesome!!