Crisis? What Crisis?

27th Dec 2008: East Fife 2, Brechin City 1 (Barrs Scottish League Division Two)

Appointed ref, Saint Michael of the Holy Tandoori, couldnae make it the day after falling ill. Someone told me that he's picked up a kidney infection when he was shaggin' ootside Hampden during the recent cold snap but that is, of course, completely untrue. As it was, Mike, stayed at home, wrapped up in bed with a LemSip and Victoria Mathers' autobiography, 'Pumping Concrete - A School Marm's Tale' to keep him company.

Which left the Beaks in something of a quandry - who could they get tae lift the whistle at New Bayview the day? Bein' as he's in wi' the big knobs, mad uncle Delbert sidled up tae the bigwigs, sprinkled fairy dust over them and subtly suggested that mebbe 'ma boy could gie it a go...'. Which left eight hunner Fifers shitin' themselves e're a ball had even been kicked. The boys were late in runnin' out ontae the pitch, fostering fears among us that the entire home side had been booked in the dressin' room fur havin' the cheek tae turn up.

But, no, there was to be no such shenanigans - if anything (and with a due sense of trepidation....), ah'd ha'e tae say that the cheat played a blinder... Can't believe ah'm thinkin' this but the words 'honest' and 'hard-working' come tae mind. Thank fuck that he still strutted about the park like Scaramouche; it took a while but when Mr Broon did finally flourish a yellow card, it was so theatrical you'd have thought he was auditioning for the local panto... (oh no he wasn't).

So, wi' the Broonster (jnr) keepin' his nose clean, there was no reason to do anything but sit back and enjoy our last home game of the year. It was another bitterly cold afternoon but, by the looks of most of the fans in the stand, we'd all stocked up on enough turkey, Quality Street, assorted snifters and such an outstanding array of grannies' jumpers that few of us would be feelin' too much of a chill. In any case, there were to be plenty of left over pies tae keep even the greediest of fat Fife fuckers sated. With that kind of luck going for us, could there be any doubt that we'd bag all three points?

And within the first couple of minutes it seemed like we might simply blow the Hedgemen away. In the opening moments, Shagger, the Wonderhorse and the Boaby all created half chances, Linn coming closest in the initial exchanges. At the other end too, we appeared to be on top form, Willie Mcculloch showing early on that he was right up for this afternoon's encounter when he made a decent save from a Gary Twigg effort.

Dave Baikie had again fiddled about (to give it it's technical description) with our formation, playing what looked like a fluid 3-5-2 arrangement that still managed to accommodate three forwards (if required) and flexible enough to give us anything between two and five defenders. With Shaun Fagan a rock in the middle of the park, the gaffer's plans all came to fruition. We always appeared to have plenty of room, the movement was as good as it's been in weeks and, for once, you got the impression that Shagger's selfless runs would certainly be rewarded. As it turned out, it was McManus himself who came closest to opening the scoring, his shot beating Craig Nelson but sliding just over the bar.

As the home side upped the ante and bossed the game, the away fans at the far end of the stand (not a bad number considerin' it's the Christmas holidays and they still have petrol rationing up there at this time of year...) occupied themselves with other interests. Commander James K Corstorphine (of course...) had already pointed out the blow-up doll that Angus' Finest had smuggled into Bayview. None of ma photos turned out so you'll just need take ma word for it but let's just say that if the Brechin performance on the park was anything to go by, it's only a matter of time before a few of their fans get arrested for lewd behaviour. No matter how bad ma team was playin', ah'd certainly never have got ma boaby out in this kinda weather! So, fair play to them...

But while Luscious Linda was entertaining the visitin' fans (and it has to be said that she was better lookin' than some of the real burds they'd dragged along wi' them....), we were bein' turned on by an altogether better form of titilation. On the park, the Fife were turnin' it on in spades, pinning back the Brechin defence and looking more and more comfortable as the game wore on. Just shy of the half hour mark we got our reward, Shagger holding up the ball at the edge of the box before laying it on a plate for Linn. His first time shot from just outside the box left the City keeper rooted as the ball bulged in the top corner of the net. Screamer of a goal, nothing less than we (and Bobby) deserved and the fans went bananas. Even the Hedgemen fans looked up from their plastic passions...

The goal was a real kick in the knackers for Brechin who kept on working hard but were already starting to look like a beaten team. To be fair to them, ah think this might've been their first game for a month (but if yer gonnae stay in a place that's frozen solid for five months of the year, what the fuck else d'you expect?) but, even so, they were a shadow of the team that we've played umpteen times already this term. And with their heads starting to drop, the guys in the green and white shirts appeared to grow in stature. Despite failing to add any more goals in the closing minutes of the half, we already sensed that there'd be more to come in the second.

Ah had plenty of time tae think about the prospects as ah stood in a queue wi the City fans waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waiting) for a pie at halftime. However, all positive thoughts of a second half goal fest quickly turned to other matters. When ah joined the queue there were eleven folk in front of me. When ah gave up waiting and headed back to the game (aye, the players were back oot on the pitch), there were still eight guys between me an' the pie stall windae. Fifteen fuckin' minutes tae serve three folk - whit the fuck was that all about? Are Brechin fans different fae all the rest or wur they just lookin' fur pies, bovril and tea the same as everybody else..?

Or were we simply focused on a wee treat for our own fans? Ten minutes intae the second half, Cazza's inimitable vocalalizations belted out the message that there were eighty pies left and, what's more, they were goin' for half price. Sadly, the poor fuckers who should (and would) have paid full price could only look on disconsolately from the wrong end of the stand as dozens of far-from-scrawny weans scrambled down the stand wi' pennies jinglin' on their hands. Tell you what, no' even a blow-up doll as bonny as Linda would have been enough to assuage ma disappointment at that sight.

No' that it was a whole lot better for them on the park. We'd already gone close in the first couple of minutes, Torro coming close but frustrated to see the ball rattle back of the bar. In response, the best that the Hedgemen had in their locker was a continuum of long, high punts up the park. Tweedie, Jay and Torro took it in turns to clear any danger but spent more time bletherin' tae each other and laughin' at Nugent and Dougie C who ran themselves daft all afternoon while their big pals took it easy at the back.

The only thing that was missing was a second conclusive goal that still seemed to be evading us. But that wasn't for the want of trying. McManus and Cameron combined well throughout the second half and bombed up the left wing all afternoon looking for an opportunity to fire over a cross. Big Temps muscled his way into some great positions but was thwarted by some desperate Brechin defending. And the Boaby was simply outstanding, given a free range to go where he pleased, he was as likely to be making runs along the side of the stand as he was forcing corners on the other side of the park. All the time, the front three were supported by some outstanding midfield play, the Craw putting in another great shift but Shaun Fagan grabbing all the plaudits with his best game yet in the colours. The young man was just immense!

And fittingly he was involved (well, just about) with the goal when it eventually arrived. Ten minutes from time another Brechin move broke down in the middle of the park allowing Fagan to slip the ball to Linn who, as always, was lookin' to attack. It took just a second for him to look up and realise that the Hedgemen had been left exposed at the back before sliding a great pass through for Shagger to run onto. Keeper Nelson wasn't quite quick enough off the mark so, despite running out to challange the forward, McManus reached the ball first and, from just inside the box, toe-poked it through the goalie's legs and turned to celebrate as it trundled into the back of the net. Beautiful in its simplicity, the goal was nonetheless just what McManus deserved; how he keeps going for the full ninety minutes every week is testament surely to just what a professional he is. Fuckin' magic!

And that should have been that. The last ten minutes came and went without anything tae worry about. However, if we'd thought that Mr Broon would be leaving without even an ounce of controversy, then we'd been rather silly sausages, hadn't we? How naive had we been to fail to recognise that someone, somewhere must have had two-one on the fixed odds?

So it was far from surprising that a team that had hardly been in our half all afternoon managed tae win half a dozen courners in 'injury time'. Wi' New Year fast approaching (did ah have any coal or a clootie dumplin' in ma bag??), Broon pointed one last time to the corner. And seven was to be a lucky number for City. A short corner, a neat wee cross into the six yard box, Wullie Dyer brave enough tae stick his nut on it and all that adds up tae a consolation goal for Brechin and success for everyone who made the trip tae Ladbrokes with two-one on their mind...

No' that ah'd grudge them their winnings. Ah was just happy that we've finally gotten a wee bit of form back in front of the home fans. The last two games have proved to be a huge boost to confidence in the team. They marched off the park, heads held high as eight hundred fans went bonkers before heading out into the night to continue with the festive celebrations. It was a fantastic performance all round and now every one of us can look forward in high anticipation of next week's visit tae the Midden. No' a place ah'd ordinarily pick tae first foot but, what the fuck, if we can lift three more points, ah'm more than happy tae put up wi' the shitey hospitality that they dish up in Kirkcaldy. Happy New Year everybody; see you all next week at ShitHoleCentral!