Mebbe Ah Should Miss Them All...

23rd Aug 2008: Arbroath 0, East Fife 1 (Barrs Scottish League Division Two)

Those of you who've known me since the start of my East Fife Odyssey will need no convincing that my list of pish reasons for missing games grows relentlessly longer and more contrived. Why should today's be any less finagled....? Ah buggered off fae work on Friday before lunchtime - stopping at Inverkeithing Station for one final puke (tae prove to masel that ah definitely wusnae very well) before draggin' ma sorry arse home. Fortunately, ma wife was perfectly sympathetic. Until, of course, she realised that oor night oot in Edinburgh (some Venezuelan dance troupe followed up by an hour in Ed Byrne's company - nae wonder ah was feelin' sick...) was gonna have to be cancelled...

So, it was an early night and the hope that ah'd be feelin' better in the morning. And, wouldn't you know - got up early doors and felt fantastic.... right up until ah considered breakfast. The mere thought of lickin' the lid of life was a step too far and so it was all aboard the Scotrail Express to Wretch Central. Jen pulled ma auld baldy napper oot the pan and muttered, 'Nae fitba the day, big man...'. What did ah tell you about her sympathetic side?

And so, as the 12.42 pulled out of Kirkcaldy, the Burger Crew was headed off to Angus with average IQs higher than usual, average weight lower than usual and no chance whatsoever that they'd get lobbed off at Ladybank because of the bad language. But whatever they got up to, ah was none the wiser, hearing not a peep until well after five o'clock when ah got this cryptic text fae the boys' dad, 'Played badly and won'. So, under no circumstances should what follows be blamed on them - they gave me the details as they saw the game. The rest, as usual, is all made up shite by me.

Dave Baikie took the opportunity to shuffle the pack again but the starting eleven had a more balanced look about it than in recent weeks. Big Torro made a welcome return to the defence with an altogether more sturdy midfield of Fozzie, Lloydie, Doogee See and the Boabie lookin' just about as strong as we could hope for (it's a shame that Stewart didnae even merit a place on the bench today but, as ah wusnae even there, maybe you already knew what that was all about....). And up front the Gaffer thought that Shagger and Temps would be good enough to do the job.

And his decision was almost vindicated within the opening ten minutes with both strikers coming close to opening the scoring. The Red Lichties' defence looked at sixes and sevens and only the sterling efforts of keeper, Darren Hill (sure that's the name of a countryside walk just ootside Ayr....), kept us out. However, on the basis of recent games, we might already have been regretting those early missed chances.

Slowly, the reek of smoked fish wafted across the pitch (proving that some of the locals do indeed have better things tae do on a Saturday than go and watch the Lichties) and the home side began tae settle - hey whatever rocks their boat. They started to play some reasonable football - nothing special but by keeping the ball on the ground they appeared in far more control than our aimless hoofing up the park. We've seen a great deal of effort and commitment throughout so far this term but, it's usually nothing more than painful to watch when we start resorting to the long ball up the pitch.

As a result, it was Arbroath that finished the stronger in the first half; they'll feel aggrieved that Bishop's effort late on failed to end up in the net - his chip over McCulloch had the keeper well beaten but the ball trundled just wide.

The second half started lively enough - and by that ah mean that we created - and missed - a couple of chances and Arbroath created - and missed - one. It was pretty much end to end stuff but sadly the ends were marked thirty yards out from each goal, most of the action (and I use the word with a great deal of trepidation...) taking place in and around a crowded midfield. There wasn't much to get excited about going forward but at least it didn't look like we had much to worry about at the other end either.

With time running out and the game floating helplessly towards a stalemate, DB changed things around a bit, Stevie Crawford and Rob Campbell coming on to replace big Temps and the Boabie, both of whom had put in their usual hardworking shifts. The fresh blood upped the pressure a wee bit and the Fife were finally able to push forward and at least press the Arbroath defence back a bit further than we had been.

With the cheat already starting to look at his watch, we grabbed what might be our last chance. Paul McManus must have shaken his booty just one time too many; as he was sliding seductively past Robbie Raeside, the big defender just couldn't resist having a wee tug. It was subtle, sympathetic and sensitive but not enough for the referee to miss and he blew and awarded the free kick. The ball was placed, Fozzie took up his position and the Arbroath wall lined up, lookin' like they were waiting for a corner kick. Despite the rantings of AngusFifer (don't ask me why he was givin' the Lichties advice...), the wall remained where it was, the keeper left with the job of covering sixteen acres of goalmouth and Fozzie hardly able tae keep the smile aff his puss.

And just tae put the icin' on the cake, the Fozzmeister decided tae really show off. His screamer of a shot headed wide, swerved around the wall (even Brazillians couldnae dae that....) and ended up bulging the net. Fuckin' priceless. The Fifers in the stands (once again outnumbering the locals - but, granted, most of them were away smoking fish) errupted in celebration. Finally, weeks late, we were gonna grab our first full three pointer of the season.

Never ones to do things easily mind (except win the Third Division....), there was, of course, still time for a shit-wur-pants moment. Only seconds from full time Stanic hobbled off to reduce the team to ten men (all subbies already on the park) and thereafter we contrived to offer our hosts one last gasp chance. Awarded a free kick just outside the Fife box, the Red Lichties were intent on making us sweat right til the end. It was clumsy and awkward but we somehow blocked the efforts and shortly thereafter, the whistler had had enough. Full time and three points secured - couldn't have been any uglier and couldn't have been any sweeter...

And with that first win under our belts we were able to catapult one majestic place up the second division table. That's one small step for East Fife, one giant leap for Fifekind (yeah, sorry, ah know ah used that same metaphor last season....). And the even better news for everyone is that the Bald One won't be at next week's game either. Ah'm headin' tae Krakow for a few days wi' the missus (don't blame me, it was Angus' idea - 'Poland's lovely at this team of year....). Her birthday's on Wednesday an' we've got a lovely night planned (well, she doesn't yet know that Barca are in town tae play Wisla.... but that's another story) an' we'll no' be back until late Saturday.

Which can mean only one thing - next Saturday's match report will, no doubt, be even more turgid than this pish. Hey, like ah said, don't blame me, it was all AngusFifer's fault...