Who Ate All The Pies?

13th Aug 2008: East Fife 0, Airdrie United 2 (ALBA Challenge Cup)

Instead of staying in and watching Liverpool on the telly, three of my work colleagues (knobs tae a man...) were lured along to Bayview tonight by the promise of football far more attractive than that on offer in the fifteenth qualifying round of the Champs League. Airdrie and East Fife served up a tasty enough feast but the football was more than supplemented by the scran being dished up at the pie stalls.

Big Bryan (directionless Essex lad just screaming out for a proper team to support) refuses to believe that the true jewel of all culinary delicacies, the Chicken Tikka Masala Pie, is available at Bayview. Sumdy gonny tell him that ah wisnae rippin' the pish!

Have tae admit that ah've no' actually bought a pie at the fitba since aboot this time last year; the fact that there were no CTMPs tae be had was as much of a shock to me as it was to him (Ah am right that the said pie is/was available am ah no'? It's no' an urban myth, some cruel joke that you fuckers played on me when ah started comin' to Bayview... an' now it's gone too far tae actually tell me the truth.... Please let it no’ be that).

However, the alternative steak pies on offer went down a treat. Which was just as well as Paul (another daft bastard who'd come along wi' us) was havin' some trouble with the price list - "wot the fook's a fookin skotch pie ora briddie, Ian?". And you wonder why I look down ma nose at folk fae West Yorkshire...

Three pies scoffed, we took our seats and cheered out the boys... looking great in green and white strips. Paul's theory - Airdrie brought two sets of kit (red or black); ref brought one (all red) so black it was for our visitors... and, as a result, we started in the away shirts. If only it had been so contrived. The truth was far more mundane.

Apparently, there was some fuck up in the laundry this afternoon and, despite havin' the black and gold shirts in front of an electric fire all day, they were still damp. And we couldnae have the boys runnin' oot in wet clothes - might get a chill on the kidneys... It does beg the question, mind - have we only got one set - fuck sake, we seem tae have more shirts in the shop than we do in the dressing room...

But, with the change of kit, who knows, we might have a bit better luck. And we did start off well enough. Both teams appeared up for it and they both settled quickly - the conditions were perfect and the pitch looked fantastic. Within the first five minutes there'd been decent chances at both ends, Paul Stewart unlucky to see his shot saved at the second attempt by the Diamonds' keeper. The effort, however, did little to dampen our visitors' spirits cos just moments later they went ahead. Marc Smyth (who spelled his name differently when he was in The Fall) picked up the ball wide right and easily snuck past Stanic before banging over a lofted cross to the back post.

It was a simple job for Simon Lynch to head home as keeper, Michael Brown, was posted missing at the time. He wasn't the only one; barely ten minutes into the game, the tenacious trio who'd accompanied me were making their way back from their second pie stall recce of the night.

The big southern softie was 'still a bit hungry' and 'was startin' to feel it gettin' a bit colder' so thought another beefy surprise would do the trick. The northern lad was anxious to find out how the 'Pool' were doing in Belgium but Kyle, at least, was honest. They're a shower of fat, greedy bastards and they wanted mair food!! Needless to say, they missed the goal.... and with that disappointment, decided that the only thing to do was... buy some more pies. Honest tae fuck!

When they eventually made it back to their seats they were to witness another hardworking performance from the Fife. Undeterred by the early setback, the lads put their heads down and got struck right back in. It was encouraging to see that the guys continued with their game plan and soon found themselves creating chances at the other end.

The only problem, though, seemed to be the finishing touch. Time and again we played the ball through Airdrie's midfield only to be thwarted in the final third. Baikie had decided to start with O'Reilly and the Wonderhorse in attack and they certainly appeared confident enough. Sadly, however, big Chris struggled a bit with his control so, despite, making decent runs in support, more often than not O'Reilly found himself either outnumbered by defenders or, even worse, flagged offside.

But don't get me started on the decisions of the ref and linescheats... In the opening forty five minutes I don't think we got one decision from the whistler, his two lackeys happy to jump on the bandwagon and trundle along with the mind bending nonsense that was unfolding on the pitch. Ah know it always sounds like sour grapes when yer team's just lost a game but, honestly, the officials were fuckin’ gash.... And, by the way, red is definitely NOT their colour.

Regardless of the fact that we were up against fourteen, we continued to push forward. Paul Stewart again had a decent effort saved on the half hour mark and with the minutes ticking away, big Templeman finally found enough space for an attempt on goal; his acrobatic overhead kick looked impressive enough (well as impressively acrobatic as a seven foot tall footballer can ever look) but the Airdrie keeper managed to get his hands to it and palmed the ball off the bar and over.

But it meant that the half finished on a high and fifteen minutes later the team trotted out again and started in the same up-tempo mood. Baikie had decided against any subs at this stage and, on the balance of play, looked vindicated. Stanic appears to be far better suited to the fullback role and Dougie Cameron has settled perfectly into the midfield, tonight supporting Young and Stewart and dominating play in the middle of the park.

It took some time for Airdrie to settle again and before they'd had their first attempt on goal, both Temps and O'Reilly had created chances at the other end. Sadly, a combination of decent goalkeeping and somewhat ordinary finishing meant that both were frustrated. And even though they continued to work hard, it was to prove a long and ultimately fruitless evening for the two forwards.

I'd moved back into the stand by now, a warm greeting awaiting me as I made my way to my seat. Hewie, Dewie and Lewie were still where I'd left them at half time but had a look about them that you'd normally expect from yer three six year old nephews. It didn't take long to discover what they were up to as the lovely smell of broon sauce wafted pleasantly through the air. The fuckers had been on another raiding party to the food stall and had somehow procured a further supply of steak pies...

Which was, unfortunately, as good as it was gonna get. Airdrie were proving to be nothing special (from time to time they created bits and pieces) but, although we continued to dominate, we couldn’t find that killer touch where it mattered. With less than ten minutes remaining, Baikie finally fired Shagger on but it was to prove too late to have any real impact.

In any case, less than two minutes later, the Diamonds sealed their victory by stealing a second. Completely against the run of play they managed to push forward (noticeable that, by now, Cameron was off the park so they found it a less formidable exercise….) and sneak into the Fife box.

Finding his way blocked by Jay Smart, Darren Smith fired over a speculative cross towards the far post. It looked like a straightforward job for the keeper to easily snatch the ball out of the air but he somehow contrived to get no more than a feeble touch on the ball and ended up simply helping it into the top corner.

Smith will never score an easier goal but, as he ran to the ecstatic Airdrie fans in the stand, he couldn’t care less. However soft, the goal had just guaranteed his team’s place in the quarter finals.

With the match effectively over, it was hardly a surprise tae see the Fife heads go down a bit. And just moments later our visitors had the ball in the net again - this one looked a whole lot more impressive than the second. However, as their fans erupted and the players ran into the corner to celebrate, the ref decided that now was the time to cut the Fife some slack. He awarded a free kick for a push on the keeper and the ball was hoofed upfield. The looks on the Airdrie players’ faces was something to behold - footballers aren’t the brightest at the best of times but seeing them there with that ‘what the fuck has happened to my world’ look on their pusses was the nearest I came to having fun all night.

But seconds later the ref blew for full time and reality flooded back. It had been another sterling effort from the team but, once again, we were disappointed and our early season troubles had continued. Nonetheless, the gaffer can’t be upset about the commitment of the players and so long as that attitude remains in place, it can only be a matter of time before the results start to come.

It was also time for me tae get ma three fat pals oota Methil (before they ate everything in it…) and intae the boozer. Time for a couple of pints in Spoonies in KDY before hitting the hay and the porkers heading back to Edinburgh - singularly ignoring my directions and ending up, believe it or not, in Auchtertool.

But that’s a story for another day. In the meantime, ah headed for ma bed, mair disappointed that we’ll no’ be on the telly any time soon than ah was with the result. We probably should have done better with both the goals but we didnae so we just have tae live wi’ that. The boys are continuing to do their best for us on the park, however, and that’s surely all that really matters. Saturday’s another day; we’ve got another chance at home tae get the season back on track and so we need tae get behind the boys once again.

We’re a better team than we were last year; it’s just a tougher competition we’re in this season. But things will get better; we just all need tae be there to celebrate wi’ the team when they do. So make sure ah see you all on Saturday - c’mon the Fife!