What Rhymes With "Stranraer"?

10th Nov 2007: Stranraer 0, East Fife 2 (Barrs Scottish League Division Three)

Naw, I couldnae think of anything either. Maybe that's why there aren't any songs for the Blues' fans tae sing. Or, at least I'm supposin' that they don't have any songs... we hardly heard a peep from the fuckers all afternoon, with only the dulcit tones of the Fifers spilling over the pitch from the Coo Shed! Stranraer, a big team? Don't make me fuckin' laugh!

The pundits would have had us believe that this was going to be the biggest test of the season so far. After all, the Blues had picked up full points in Montrose during the week, netting four times in the process. Sadly for them, we were back on the grass today so whatever their rag-bag of fans were expecting, it wasn't the shite that their team was to serve up. If every tough away game is as difficult for us as this one, they'd be as well just engraving our name on the trophy right now.

Right from the start it was men against boys. Stranraer and their fans appear to think that they're some sort of silky footballing side whereas the Fife are nothing more than a bunch of hackers who shouldnae even be allowed on the same pitch as them. Maybe there's something other than fluoride in the water in Galloway because I can't think of any other reason that a group of folk could be so completely delusional; for the first half of this afternoon's encounter it was East Fife who passed the ball around and continually pressed their defence. Stranraer looked pretty much just like what they've become - a second rate team that's certainly better than most of the other teams in the league but is simply no' good enough to complete with the Candy Stripes. Two games this season, five goals for us, one for them. Good luck in the play-offs, Stranraer - it's the best you fuckers can hope for!

So dominant were we in the early stages of the game that the only real surprise was that it took us all of fifteen minutes to open the scoring. Already Bobby Linn and Paul Walker (man of the match performance, by the way - he was immense!) were causing all sorts of trouble and, evidently, Paul McManus had no worries about torturing his old team. He's been outstanding this season and today's performance was just another to be proud of. As we found ourselves in acres of space (again) behind the Blues' defence, their hapless keeper was left with two choices - either stay in yer box and let Linn run round you and score.... OR come running oit of the box and pick up the ball (twice). He chose the latter, somehow believing that his excuse for a wall and his tragic positioning behind it would, somehow, stop us scoring. It didn't and Mr Mcmanus blasted it low into the net. Too easy!

The only real shock was that their keeper wasn't told tae get tae fuck by the ref but, apparently, intentional hand ball outside the box is only a booking offence. Ah, well, it was all to even itself up twenty minutes later. Walker (he's also come on since he left this mob....) was having too much fun rippin' the pish out of anyone that Stranraer chose to face up to him. Ten minutes from the interval it all became too much for Jim McKinstry - the ball went past him, it looked like Walker would too so, kabang, a quick kick tae the baws and down you go, Paul. Give Jimmy boy his due, he went down like he'd been shot himself, but, thankfully, the ref wasn't gonna be fooled by that. So, despite the fact that the Stranraer supporter I was talking to (well, he's really a Pompey fan but I guess it's too dear tae get to Portsmouth every week) and even prize winning photo-geek, Mr Corstorphine, thought that the decision was harsh, the whistler pulled our a wee red card and shoved it up McKinstry's nose. Get tae fuck, Jimmy - your afternoon's over...

We'd already been lording it over our hosts; as we went in at the interval the only expectation was that we'd run riot in the second half. Things didn't quite turn out like that, however. In recent matches, our second half performances have made all the difference. Today, it looked like we were the team that was down to ten men. I don't know why we came out and looked so nervous but our indecision allowed Stranraer to have their best spell of the game.

With Tweedie, Smartie and young Fox playing up to their normal high standards, there was never much of a chance of the Blues creating much in the way of real chances. But in the middle of the park they were really starting to boss it a bit. The normally dependable Fozzie was very quiet and looked somewhat out of sorts throughout. And that enabled Stranraer to gain far more possession than they'd had in the first half. Despite spending most of the first forty five swinging punches and whingeing to anyone who'd listen, their big number seven finally started to look like a player. It was a credit to the boys that they managed to keep a lid on his runs and ensure, through some stern defending, that the ball was kept well away from young Fox.

On the couple of occasions that they did manage to fire a shot, the keeper was well up for it and either made decent saves or happily watched the ball slide over the bar.

The afternoon slowly turned into evening and the floodlights came on. As a result, my camera pretty much gave up the ghost (hey, it's impossible tae get a photo in the pitch dark). Peering through the gloom we just about managed to see young Walker being substituted with fifteen minutes to go. Even though we'd been quieter in the second half, he would still have enjoyed the well earned applause as he took his seat on the bench. He was replaced by Craig O'Reilly who was content to come out and prove just what a shrewd operator Dave Baikie is.

He made an immediate impact, forcing our hosts onto the back foot. Paul Mcmanus drifted out to the right and was unlucky to see a number of decent crosses come to nought as the nearside linesman hoisted his flag into the air - offside my arse. However, with five minutes remaining we were to split their haphazard last line of defence and leave O'Reilly with the easy job of banging away goal number two. It had taken a while but, finally, all three points were assured.

That was sufficient for the home fans who started streaming out of the ground - well, the couple of dozen who'd turned up decided enough was enough and slowly made their way to the exit. Always a pleasure to be able to sing, 'we can see you sneakin' oot', so that was a perfect way to end the afternoon. Moments later the ref blew for full time and that was that - six matches on the bounce without conceding which, the tell me, equals the team's all time record. You have to be thinking that that's one record that's gonna be broken...

It's not the only one. By the time I got back tae the car doon at the harbour, ma missus had had quite enough of Stranraer for one day. Coming down through Ayrshire in daylight had taken long enough but heading north back tae ma mam's in Ayr, whe drove like a woman possessed; we were home within the hour; it's amazing how the combination of ma mum's chicken soup and Strictly Come Dancing can simply eat up the miles on these daft wee roads!

Keep me posted from Brechin; 'fraid ah'll coming back fae ma holidays so ah'll miss the game. Ah'll be thinkin' of you all, mind, C'mon the Fife!